It’s the worst thing in the world, when you can’t seem to control your emotions. It can come in the form of feeling like you are going to pass out, your heart is racing, and your vision starts to close in. All my fellow ladies who have struggled with this can tell you exactly what I’m talking about and that is anxiety.
I first started experiencing anxiety after I stopped nursing Emma, and my hormones were getting back on track. I remember when I went on a trip and suffered with anxiety on the plane. Normally I would have been so excited to fly, but that time it was so weird because I literally had to close my eyes and focus on just getting through the flight. Later on during that trip, I remember laying on the bed, desperately listening to the Bible on audio, trying to make it through my feelings of anxiety. In that month, I got to the point where I was afraid of going to someone else’s house because I would feel faint, like I would pass out. When you struggle with anxiety, you start getting anxious about being anxious and it creates this vicious cycle.
During that time, I began to think that I needed to be on medication because there didn’t seem like any other option for me to function normally. So I took it once and hated how it made me not feel my normal feelings, if that makes sense. I prayed about it, and I felt like God said to stop taking the medication. So in faith, I stopped. I don’t think medication is bad at all, but for me, in that moment, this was a situation God clearly spoke to me (though in the future I know He could lead me to use meds, if needed).
Moving forward my anxiety got better. I walked outside in the sunshine. I also would lay on my bed and listen to music or just quietly pray and rest my mind. But these really weren’t solutions, it was a situation that I clearly saw God take care of me after I took a step of faith.
If you were to ask me today, where I’m at with anxiety, I would honestly tell you that it’s still a struggle for me. I see it more of a challenge that comes in waves for me. I go through phases where I feel like I’m doing ok, and then I sometimes get to a “crash and burn phase” where I have to take a few days to rest especially when my heart starts hurting from stress. At that point, I know I’ve pushed myself too hard, and anxiety is affecting my body.
My struggle with anxiety has begun to help me realize that fear is a very powerful emotion that can overtake us. For me, it’s often the fear of things being out of my control. I don’t like things being unpredictable or unable to be fixed quickly. Ha and then I could talk about my struggle with patience! 🙂
But it’s quite funny because so many things in my life have not gone according to my plans. I became a mom sooner than expected, became a single parent, started a cleaning business, and the list could go on. None of these things I planned to do this way. But in the midst of it all, I can remember that God has been faithful. As He has let things slip out of my control, He has instead become greater in my life. God has helped me grow up (I needed a little maturing!) and begun to teach me about faith. For sure, faith is the antidote for fear. I don’t know about you, but I want to be stronger in my faith in God than in my fear of lack of control! These little hands of mine can’t hold much, but God’s hands are infinitely able to carry it all. I need to remind myself of that more often.
So I know this isn’t the most helpful post like “Yay, I’ve been through anxiety and here are the 1, 2, 3 steps to how I’ve solved it.” But I wanted to share my story to offer hope that if you are struggling with anxiety as well, you are definitely not alone. But God is bigger I mean WAYYYYYY bigger than anything that is causing you and I fear.